Step 6 and 7 - on Caffeine/Food ...Character Defect of Worrying
I am entirely ready to have God remove my defects of character of worrying about the fight with my landlord over our garden and our tenancy.
I humbly ask You to remove this shortcoming.
I have been praying this prayer multiple times throughout each day: “I ask you to remove my defect of character of worrying”.
When Sigmund Freud found out that he was dying from mouth cancer from smoking 20 cigars a day he spent his last year and a half studying anxiety.
Here is mine, currently:
Step 6- I am entirely ready to have you remove my character defect of worrying that my land lord is going to win and throw my me and my family out of my home of 17 years.
Step 7- I humbly ask God to remove this shortcoming of worrying.
I prayed this for half an hour today, incessantly, with really not much relief.
So, I started praying something I know to be a doozy of a prayer to relieve anxiousness: “In Brahmacharya lies the protection of the body, mind and the soul”.
Step Seven does not, I remembered, work like the Tooth Fairy, The Easter Bunny or Santa Claus...I have to do my part.
And so, my willingness to accept intentional chosen chastity really helped feel considerably safer.
But, the anxiousness did not go away completely, until I practiced humility and asking for help...by going to see my lawyer.
Humility (asking for help) does not come naturally for me.
Historically, I have liked to conquer my problems and then boast about how facile, clever and resourceful I am while drinking beer and exaggerating the truth...in a word, lying.
Stopping drinking cut down on my lying considerably, but I still didn’t understand the mechanics of humility.
I really learned about humility in ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics).
That was where I learned to feel, and to talk about what was really going on with me...and to trust.
But, most importantly it’s where I learned to reach out for help.
It was scary...and I was really convinced at the time that reaching out for help wasn’t very manly.
I never saw the military men I grew up with as a child do it, even once.
My parents certainly never asked for help...
Hell, even my childhood hero Jimi Hendrix never asked for help.
But I did it anyway.
Thirty-two years later I know how to reach out for help...to my attorney at this particular time.
I was so appreciative that I wrote my lawyer this little ditty about our enterprise:
“You make me weep
You make me moan
Now you want to throw me out of
my happy home
But someday Mr. Landlord
You ain’t gonna worry my life anymore”.
And sure enough...my “Worried blues” went away.
Thanks to the guys and girls who modeled humility for me 32 years ago...really, thanks.
Step 6.1 and 7.1 - on Caffeine/Food
In the Light Hearted Offices on the ActWithCourage website there is an expression by Confucius:
“Walking with two other men, each of them will serve as my teacher. I will pick out the good points of the one and imitate them, and the bad points of the other and correct them in myself.”
I worked with someone recently and I saw something:
When people treated this person like a prince and let them get away with things they felt like they were “getting over” on someone and that this was the way life was really supposed to be, for them.
On the other hand: When people held this person accountable, that they, too, had to follow the rules, they felt like they were being “punished”.
It was a pretty deft insight on my part, I thought, and I was feeling pretty darned good about myself as a temporary sponsor, but...
What I could not see, at that moment, was that I was exactly the same way.
Within 48 hours I had a conflict with someone and I could see where I was trying to “get over”, but that I was being held accountable and had to follow the rules.
I could see myself feeling hurt, inwardly pouting, and feeling like I had been treated unjustly.
God,
I am entirely ready to have you remove my defect of character of acting like a spoiled brat and I humbly ask you to remove this shortcoming…in me.
Step 7 - on Caffeine/Food...Character defect of Narcissism
One of my dorm hall mates at the University of Virginia, from New Orleans, saw my college roommate and I jamming for the first time on electric guitars. He announced to others that we were “Steve and his accompanist.”
I was better than him.
That set off a 50 year rivalry between two narcissistic, privileged, pot-headed, Marlboro smoking, white males who wanted to be the next Hendrix and Duane Allman, respectively.
I was better than him.
At 12 years old I moved from a lifetime on military bases to a very rural school district when my father retired from the Army.
There were 600 people from 6 to 12th grade in one building.
It was extremely bucolic, except for one boy.
He had a completely orange 1957 Chevrolet, a brand new blonde Fender Telecaster and a girlfriend with the largest breasts I had ever seen.
He was better than me.
I was at that school for six years, seven classes a day, which means I had 42 teachers.
The school hired new teachers from West Virginia, the second stupidest state in America, after Mississippi.
I was better than all of them...And they did not like it.
At 14, I heard that a 16 year old boy with a blue Thunderbird played drums. I invited I’m over and let him play my drums that Santa Claus had brought me in the eighth grade.
He sucked...
But I sold him my drums and he became my drummer.
He was the nicest guy anyone ever met...and became the biggest dope dealer that anyone ever knew.
Everyone was better than him.
At 15 years old, on a junior varsity basketball bus ride, I met the love of my life.
She was petite, feminine, warm, playful… And of course had the largest breasts that ever seen in my life.
She introduced me to the ways of love.
There was nobody better than her and since there was nobody better than me…We were a match.
When I was 13 years old I first heard Jimi Hendrix’s “ Are you experienced? “ album.
He was way better…Way, way better than me.
My parents were diehard southern racists.
They were convinced that they were better than African American people.
One day, quite by accident, I heard Aretha Franklin’s “Baby, baby sweet baby“.
I was clear, anybody who could make those kind of sounds…Was better than my parents
Living 35 miles outside of Washington DC I would often go to see the Washington monument, the Jefferson Memorial and the Lincoln Memorial.
These three guys had beautiful monuments built to them…They were clearly better than me.
The boy across the 600 acre field was good with tractors, rifles and could catch a long-passed football.
I taught him to play bass, but he had better voice than me...
So...we were better than each other.
I lived on 112 acre cattle farm with a 12 room, 4 bathroom house...
But we rented in for $250/month
The owners were very clear they were better than us.
From 1970-72 I earned my living by playing in a band with a 26 year old country bass player who had a voice like Englebert Humperdinck and a 55 year old jazz organist.
I was only 15...
but I was damned sure I was going to be better than both them.
Step 8 - on Caffeine/Food...In what ways have I hurt myself?
I have nine real, emotionally healthy, needs. The first three were discovered by Abraham Maslow in 1943:
1.Safety
2.Love and belonging
3.Esteem of others (then inculcated to self-esteem)
The next three needs were discovered by 12 step between 1939 and 1988:
4. Near constant Prayer
5. Self-transcendence through Service
6. Spirituality through connectedness, originally with God, then others, and finally, lastingly and constantly, with myself
The last three needs were contributed, anonymously, in 2017:
7. Contentment through realization of my highest, realistically attainable goal
8. Creativity through creating beauty for the joy of it
9. Peace of mind through knowing my soul
I hurt myself, very deeply, by failing to get my need for contentment met through playing and writing music.
I kept trying to get my need for contentment met outside of me and then when I failed I would use food to comfort me...which made me fat.
I failed in every way conceivable, in every style, on every instrument, in every state, from 17 years old to 33 years old to achieve a humane living writing or performing music.
It wasn’t that God did not want me to play or write music. It was that He did not want my need for contentment (my 7th healthy need) to be met through writing or playing music.
He wanted me to be content in this life with my accomplishments in recovery...
Then, if I wanted to play and write, to meet the need for creativity (my 8th healthy need) all I wanted.
I didn’t get this distinction at 17 years old....neither did my parents.
There were awful, wretched screaming matches about this issue, that neither my parents or I fully understood.
In fairness, no one at the time fully understood the subtlety of these needs.
Now, having eradicated all addiction within me, I want to re-invent myself, musically, by approaching the guitar as a ninth step amends to myself for the harm I have done myself.
Step 9 - On Caffeine/Food... Made direct amends for harming myself.
If I want a completely different life, then the first thing I must do is live with more prayer.
Total freedom from addiction, tons of prayer, tons of exercise, tons of living foods, tons of reading.
I want to embrace anonymity as a form of genuine humility.
I want to remember that If I lose my food abstinence, I lose the possibility of eradicating all the addictions…and the high self-esteem that comes from healing from it all.
I want to remember that if I maintain my food abstinence that all my addictions will be addressed…and that will be a splendid climax to a life of 40 years of self-love.
I just want to get completely free of any addiction…at any cost.
I am content. I got away from my old life...even “old school” recovery.
The principle behind Step Eight is Brotherly Love. The principle behind Step Nine is Discipline.
So, I need to practice brotherly love…in a disciplined way.
I have been a professional singer since I was 13 years old.
I never was a genius, gifted or even talented...simply competent.
But, for fun, I like to sing blues and I wail on the acoustic guitar pretty good...it’s really fun.
If there ever was any art in my music it was from the guitar playing...but my singing would sink any aspiration to greatness, to an immediate bitter disappointment...in any potential supporter.
Therefore...singing is where the fun is.
How to Unfuck my mind around playing the guitar...so I can use the guitar to help make amends to myself for hurting myself with food:
Don’t measure yourself against the greatest guitar genius in history
Don’t measure yourself against the greatest composer in history
Don’t perform
Don’t record
Don’t write
Don’t involve other people
Don’t keep track of your time
Don’t make money
As John Cage would say “Our ears are now in excellent shape”.
Step 9.1 - on Caffeine/Food
...Made direct amends to myself for harming myself
Freedom from addiction is the most important thing in life, for me.
I am making amends to myself for the harm I have cause myself struggling to stay not fat the last three years. I have been very successful, but it was a mighty battle as I turned 62 and my body began to change and I had to invent the tools that would be successful, for me.
The last 32 years of the 40 years that it took me to recover I have put meetings, sponsorship, being sponsored, reading spiritual literature, program calls, step work and writing literature first...after surrendering alcohol, sex and food.
14 hours of Step Nine Actions I took this week:
Business:
Let go of audio engineering...sold all my gear
Set up a new video studio and ran tests for Video formatting
Singing:
Singing...for fun and for health. It makes me feel better afterwards.
As for practicing personal humility: working on long and short vowels over scales and arpeggios three times.
Also practiced Abdominal breathing
and Opening my mouth wide...the most basic of techniques.
Chanted long syllables as prayer
Sang Gospel songs and felt the God’s presence
Also after relearning old country love songs I taught to my wife when we met three years ago, I have sung them eight times, for a half an hour...six times with my wife.
Sang old black American Blues
On Guitar:
Play guitar as a way to be by myself and enjoy my own company.
Practice bends and vibrato...my favorite technique.
For Others:
Taught Cake (my wife) melody of Dream and Amazing Grace.
Wrote Cake new arrangements of The Star Spangled Banner.
I composed a new Requiem for two and a half hours for a friend of mine who died two weeks ago.
I also rehearsed three people, for 15 minutes each, on the performance of the Requiem.
Spent 30 minutes arranging a performance for the new Requiem.
The Acoustic Music Nine Commandments
Thou shalt not start a band
Thou shalt not teach a bass player
Thou shalt not get a drummer
Thou shalt not get a PA
Thou shalt not get a car
Thou shalt not get gigs
Thou shalt not dress
Thou shalt not go to bars
Thou shalt not get other readers to perform
9th Step Prayer
HP,
I will never be a genius, gifted or talented singer.
Help me to sing humbly for the health of singing, as a Seventh Step.
Help me to sing joyously for the fun of it...as a Ninth Step.
I will never be a genius or a gifted guitarist, but honestly, you have given me, as Steinbeck was so fiercely described, “real but, limited talent”...
Help me use it today...for health and love.
Step 9.2 Caffeine/Food ...Letting go of my daughter.
Holding onto to her is only causing me pain.
I have been waiting for 3 1/2 years for her to change her mind and reconnect...That is enough.
I have been waiting for 13 years, after she left home, for she and I to have a once a month lunch or coffee relationship and we what we actually had for 10 years was a three-times-a-year relationship (Birthdays and either Christmas or Thanksgiving).
I have a much better connection with my wife and my son: all day and all night, every day.
My relationship with music was not as important to me as my relationship with my daughter for 32 years...but now it gets to move up a notch.
I am willing to make a deal with myself: If I let go my waiting on my daughter to return to our relationship, which only causes me pain, and in fact, does not happen, I will give myself anything I want.
...I am willing to let me live however I want to (of course not going back into any of my addictions)
What I would really like to do, for me, is to write avant-garde music as I used to do before recovery and fatherhood.
Yep...that’s the deal.
Step 10 - On Caffeine/Food...
Continue to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.
I stopped drinking alcohol and I stopped feeling incredibly hungover the next day. At the time I felt like a spiritual icon and believed that AA should build a statue to me for my superior sacrifice.
After six years of not drinking I relapsed over a woman and afterwards I decided to quit shucking, jiving and half-assing my recovery and I gave up the prescription drugs my doctor was giving me that I was using that kept me doped up, downed out and completely oblivious of my feelings.
I also quit smoking two packs of cigarettes a day. Fresh air got to be so important that 15 years later I finally moved from Atlanta GA, where I had lived for 25 years, and which is the second most polluted city In the US, after LA...so that I could breathe fresh air. My apologies to folks from Atlanta and LA.
Also, initially as I was cleaning up my act I wanted to give up coffee as it made me a crazy, nervous, narcissist wreck that nobody wanted to be around.
These four basic food groups: alcohol, drugs, tobacco and caffeine were the things I wanted to be free of to live my life well and happy, and with the exception of a terrible coffee relapse every four or five years...I have had a remarkably healthy life for the last 32 years.
But these four things would lead me to two more issues that were much more powerfully impactful in my life.
As I inventory my life, sex and food would be much more deeply rooted in disease, for me.
I just couldn’t get enough sex, love, romance and relationship and I couldn’t stop masturbating. It took a couple of years of really hard work to stop that stuff, but I have never once woken up and regretted giving up masturbation.
Only about three people in this fellowship talk about food, but, for me, I really hated being fat. It destroyed my self-esteem, I felt sluggish and torpid all the time and it ruined my sexual attractedness....so I lost 60 pounds and I have kept it off for over 30 years.
These six things: alcohol, drugs, tobacco, caffeine, sex and food were things I was using that kept me away from me. I did not want to be with me and the reason was that I was abused as a child and, tragically and erroneously...I blamed myself. The terrifically sad part of that is that if I stay away from me...I lose my soul.
So, as I continue to take personal inventory I am very much in touch with my soul, which, for me, is the goal of life.
There were, along the way, some other things that needed looking at in my life:
Unbelievable issues originating in growing up with alcoholics that caused me to be controlling, a people pleaser and a doormat.
There was the attitudinal addiction to viewing life as a victim, stemming from childhood sexual abuse trauma.
Codependency, and it’s equally self-destructive, but opposite reaction to bad or unlearned boundaries - Narcissism.
Also I had a lot of money issues : workaholism, debting, underearning and gambling-through day-trading
And finally artistic and mystical preoccupations: which just means I spent my conscious life trying to become a stupendously famous artist, and then, I also tried putting my religion in front of my recovery...and you can just imagine how that turned out.
As I continue to take personal inventory I am humbly grateful that I am free of all these things and have the opportunity to be in touch with my soul through the freedom I receive from being in community with each of you every day.
Step 10.1 - On Caffeine/Food
I am powerless over caffeine...because after a few days of caffeine I can no longer control my food.
If I cannot control my food I feel unhealthy and start to look old and beat up.
If I start to feel bad and look old I become ready to stop using caffeine.
But when try to stop...I cannot stop.
If I cannot stop I reach for God through the 12 steps.
Then I stop...with God’s Power.
If I stop, I feel good and look young and fit.
So, it is God’s power that let’s me feel healthy and look young and fit again.
So, is it God’s will to feel healthy and look young and fit?...Obviously.
Most practically, most simply, most clearly and most desperately-needed-in-wisdom is the truth about this next postulated belief , “Is it therefore not God’s will to use caffeine...for me?
Psalm 32:9 says “Do not be like the horse or the mule, which have no understanding”.
To not see the answer to this question...is simply being a mule.
Step 10.2 - On Caffeine/Food
I like to eat. I like to get high from the drug caffeine.
If I do those things the following things will happen:
Acrid burning of vomit in my windpipe
Night sweats
Slight headache
Blurry
Numb
Nausea
Heart aches
Short of breath
Breathing shallow
Eyes swelled
Belly distends
Bronchia raw
Nasal passages raw
Throat sore
Clothes don’t fit
Deadly serious
But...I am willing to make myself a deal to not harm myself, if I don’t do either one today I can:
Read a book, specifically George Eliot’s Felix Holt, The Radical
Play the guitar and sing
Listen to music
Watch a movie with my wife
Take a nap
Do written step work
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